Kat with a K

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Yesterday, I woke up thinking "SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TODAY." August 12. What was it? Was it someone's birthday? Did I have some sort of deadline for something? Had I promised someone I'd go somewhere? August 12, August 12, August 12. It was SOMETHING. It drove me crazy all morning.

Then I got in the car to go to work and turned on the radio. As I flipped stations, I suddenly realized: THAT's why. August 12 was when WBCN was going online-only and Mix 98.5 was becoming Mix 104.1. Now, I listen to these stations occasionally, but they're not a particularly big part of my life. (I tend to either leave the radio on NPR or flip constantly between music stations to find songs I like - I rarely leave the radio on one music station for more than a song or two.) The fake that these stations are moving around is not a particularly traumatic or important event for me. But because they had been advertising the move so incessantly - presumably to avoid losing listeners who go confused - the date was BURNED INTO MY BRAIN and I thought it actually, you know, mattered. Sigh.

Officially "one of those days"

Remember how I said earlier today that I was so crazybusy this week that my highest aspiration for the day was to have time to stop for milk? Well, I did, but shortly after I left the store I realized that the jug was punctured somewhere, and leaking. So tomorrow I get to spend my lunch break exchanging milk. Yeah. That kind of day.

Thanks, Cate.

She doesn't know it, but Cate just totally saved my sanity. I was at that point. You know that point. The one where actually doing work is out of the question, and the only way you're coping is by listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack really loudly and designing complicated cable patterns in your head? See, I knew you knew that point.

So anyway, I was at that point, and checked Bloglines, and there was Cate (who I think has seen a lot of that point recently herself) with this link, and whooosh, I felt sanity begin to creep back. Seriously. Just click it. Then go thank Cate.

Random Insanity

I missed Random Wednesday yesterday, so I thought I'd do a more, um, focused version.

Causes of My Current Insanity

1. The freakin' people I work with. Not all of them, certainly, but a few. No, I'm sorry, I CANNOT DO YOUR JOB. It's not that I am mean and I won't, it's that it is not my job and so I don't have the application I'd need to do it.

2. Still getting used to living alone. I really, really like it, but it's weird. And I really really miss my roommate.

3. Semester starts in six days. Class still isn't showing up in the Application Formerly Known as WebCT. I can't deal with this. I need to see my syllabus.

4. It's looking like my fall is going to be crazy busy. (I know, you're all shocked.) Although, looking at my calendar, I don't have anything planned for the next few weekends... but after that they're all booked. And I'm not even going to Rhinebeck. (Someday...)

5. I have some sort of weird lingering sore throat/congestion thing I can't seem to shake. Not bad enough to actually worry about, but annoying.

6. Monday! Off! This will be my first two days off in a row (other than for illness and/or Blogathon) since, I don't know, Christmas? I am stupendously excited.

Symptoms of My Current Insanity

1. I really really want to listen to Christmas music. Not like Deck the Halls stuff, but Anonymous 4 or Windham HIll? Totally in the mood for that.

2. I'm obsessively TiVoing 7th Heaven. I KNOW. I'm sorry.

3. I should not be allowed to buy cute stamps, because then I feel like I shouldn't use them. And I spend way too long deciding whether the survey going back to my NPR station is worth a Beauty and the Beast stamp. (I eventually decided that no, it wasn't.)

4. This morning, I actually thought, "Huh, I need to knit some gloves." It's August. But it was cold.

5. I've already started planning for NaNoWriMo.

There's other... stuff. But I've been writing this on and off for hours so I should probably just post it.

Not enough hours in the day

I'm sorry, I know you're all going to get really bored of this. But aaaaaah! This morning I am supposedly:

1. Working on my paper (Slow. As. Molasses.)
2. Getting my kitchen stuff down from the attic so my roommate can pack his
3. Changing the sheets on my bed
4. Doing laundry
5. Showering and getting dressed in some sort of reasonable clothing, seeing as I'm going to a restaurant later
6. Figuring out how to get to said restaurant, and a park and a bar and various other places where I am theoretically meeting friends in Northampton today

All in the next... two hours? Yeah.

Whew.

Okay. Seven class meetings down, five to go. Last night I handed in my second assignment and presented on my first (the written part was handed in the week before), so those two are totally done. Now I just have to keep up with the readings for each class and, you know, write that term paper in the next, um, two weeks. And figure out a decent presentation. Yeah. Fun times. Yes, that's what the Mary Wollstonecraft question was about. It will probably end up being around 20 pages, but only the first four or so are actually written - the rest is research and compiling bibliographies. Which means less writing, but also less opportunity for padding. My feelings about the whole thing are swinging wildly between "Fun!" and "Oh my god how am I supposed to know when I've found ALL the important things published on Wollstonecraft in the last five years??" (That's one of the five sections of the assignment.)

Last night I started the "This is what I'd knit for Christmas in an ideal world with infinite time" list. I know Christmas knitting should be on the "Things About Which Not to Worry" list at the moment, but making these non-urgent to do lists actually relaxes me, and reminds me that there will be life after this class, so I'm going with it. Of course, there are about 40 things on the list, but it's just brainstorming. I'll get started and see where I get.

And, of course, having made that list gives me license to go yarn shopping tonight, which I am feeling that I really, really need to do. Because yarn for Christmas gifts comes out of the gift budget, not the yarn budget, right? (Well, not that I have actually set up budgets for either of those categories, but, um, I should. One of these days. When I have extra time.) And I need to go to the yarn store, anyway, because I'm seeing Cate this weekend and she's enabling me in doing evil, evil things, and I must be prepared. (Full confession forthcoming.)

I think I'm going to try to get a bunch of hats done for various male family members. Any suggestions on patterns men actually like/will wear?

Out of my mind. Back soon. Send chocolate.

Ever have one of those afternoons in which you can't stop thinking "Are they serious? Do they mean that? Do people think that way? Really?" Arrrrrgh. Yeah, one of those. Apparently some of my coworkers are totally unobservant and utterly devoid of intellectual curiosity. And driving me crazy. Aaaaaaah. This combined with the noise and fumes from the construction going on in my workplace has left me utterly unable to think. I really just want to go home and curl up under the covers and knit and drink tea and watch Pride and Prejudice. Of course, I have to go work at the other job tonight. Maybe tomorrow. At least tomorrow is Friday!

The Plan

Okay. Trying not to panic. Plans solve everything, right? I'm a good planner. I like to make lists. So. I just need some lists and a plan.

First, knitting hours as calculated last night:

Coworker scarves (2): 5 hours each
Dad's and brother's scarves: 10 hours each
Roommate's scarf: 20 hours
Nosewarmer: 1 hour
Cousin scarves (3): 3 hours each
Pairs of mittlets (3): 5 hours each

Total: 75 hours. KHPD: 7.5. Um, right. That's another full time job. I have one of those already. Huh. This might be a little difficult, you think? So.

1. This weekend will be the big marathon knitting. Friday night: finish at least one cousin scarf. Saturday night (since I'm working all day): finish at least one coworker scarf. Sunday: Knit all day. Finish other coworker scarf and nosewarmer (and hopefully something else, but let's let that be a pleasant surprise). Those three scarves are the things I really need done before Christmas, so I will breathe a bit easier then.

2. The next focus will be the mittlets, since those are harder to knit while out and about. Monday and Tuesday I will work on the mittlets at home and scarves while out (in line, on lunch break, etc.).

3. The three cousin scarves? I'm going to go with these. Two hours each. Steph promised. And did you see how I budgeted three hours for each above, since I know I can't possibly knit as fast as she does?

4. I am leaving work early tomorrow to go to the yarn store to get the yarn for the cousin scarves, mittlets, and nosewarmer. Oh, but there's supposed to be an ice storm. Please God, don't let the yarn store close. That would totally mess up the plan.

5. Basic schedule for next week: work 8-5 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Probably other work Monday and Thursday evenings. Wednesday I'm taking the day off to go Christmas shopping with my cousin in Boston. I'll carry a scarf around to knit while we shop. I'm sure she'll love that. Wednesday night I need to make something for the work potluck on Thursday, but I can knit while I make meatballs, right? Wednesday night is probably around when I'll cut down on sleep, as well. Don't want to do that too early, or the adrenaline will run out.

6. Tuesday evening I have agreed to see a friend. The conversation went something like this:
Friend: We should hang out before Christmas. I have presents and I miss you.
Me: Is hanging out something that can be done while knitting?
Him: Of course. I figured as much.
So hopefully that won't cut into the knitting time too badly.

7. Friday evening is free. Thank goodness. Oh, except for packing for CT. Saturday (Christmas Eve) I'll be working and leaving for CT right from work. Sunday is Christmas and there will be lots of people at my parents' house. Nevertheless, I seem to think I will have a fair amount of knitting time both days.

8. On Christmas, I will be knitting my roommate's scarf, since Christmas Day is one of the very few days on which we won't see each other (as we'll be with our respective families). And he's okay with it being a Boxing Day or New Year's or Epiphany present if necessary.

9. And really, I'm not above giving a few things on the needles and having them done when I see everyone again at New Year's.

10. But. That's only an extra week. This is still quite a lot of knitting, even with the extra week.

Progress reports will appear when possible. Let's hope I can get lots done over the weekend so I don't get too discouraged. Send caffeine and chocolate.

P.S. I was vaguely thinking of a few more nosewarmers for other relatives, "if I have some extra time." The delusion runs deep.

Random Wednesday ('cause I can)

Yeah, I know, twice in one day. But I had stuff I felt like saying and liked the idea of posting Random Wednesday on Wednesday for once. (It is Wednesday, right? I think?)

1. First, because Lauren asked for it:

The five scarves-in-progress, albeit a bit blurry. The stray needle and brown yarn coming in from the left belong to another scarf-in-progress, but that one is my roommate's, not mine (thank goodness).

2. Tonight was my last class of the semester. We had pizza and wine and cookies and then left early. Really, all classes should be like that.

3. During class, my professor asked me: "Could you make your life any more difficult?" Hah. He doesn't know the half of it.

4. I also discovered that when I e-mailed my final paper to my professor yesterday, I didn't actually, you know, attach the paper. I am so smart.

5. While walking to the train after class I started calculating my Knitting Hours Per Day for the next ten days or so. Let's just say that it's looking rather appalling. Details, and hopefully a Plan, will be forthcoming. Tomorrow. When I'm bored at work.

6. I have decided that Green Day's "Holiday" is what I wanted Franz Ferdinand's second album to be. Not necessarily politically (because Franz Ferdinand is/are British [Scottish?], for one thing), but musically.

7. Today is the thirteenth anniversary of the fatal shooting incident that occurred at my alma mater. Although I was there long afterward and didn't know anyone involved, the reverberations are still felt throughout the tiny community, and I felt I should mention it and that everyone affected is in my thoughts today.

8. On a happier note, it is also my dad's birthday.

9. New Dunkin' Donuts favorite: Vanilla Spice coffee. Yum.

10. I'm dreaming, not of a white Christmas (well that too), but of all the things I will have time to knit after Christmas: the baby Aran, Birch (which was going along swimmingly until I finally had to admit that I should stop on it until after Christmas), Trekking XXL socks, and some sort of freaking head covering, already. I am in New Hampshire. It is cold. I do not seem to own a hat. What I really want is a hooded scarf, but I'm not letting myself think about it yet.

11. It sounds weird, but I have discovered that sleeping in hoodies (yes, with the hood on) is SO cozy. Another thing for which I can blame my roommate. Caffeine, Auden, alcohol, Michael Nava, Six Feet Under, cilantro, sleeping in hoods... what will be next?

12. Since I am home in time to go to bed on time, I should really do so, huh? 'night.

Ack ack ack ack ack

See? Told you I'd be panicking soon enough. Christmas is in 11 days. ELEVEN. How did that happen? How? I have several presents started, at least. The majority of them are some variation of "red scarf." I am sick of red. And scarves. And I've thought of several more people for whom I need gifts. And decided that no, if I'm knitting for my dad and brother, I need to knit for my mom too. Especially since she doesn't much like scarves. So. How about a new list?

Projects in Progress
1. Irish Hiking Scarf for Dad. Red. Maybe... 1/6 done? Ish? I haven't even looked at it in weeks.
2. Ribbed scarf for brother. Red. Several inches done.
3. Ribbed scarf for random semi-coworker. Red. About 1/3 done. (Yes, the project on which I have made the most progress is for the person I don't really know. Not that I sabotage myself or anything.)
4. Fun fur scarf for secret santa person. Pink. (Not quite red!) Several inches done.
5. Campus Scarf for roommate. Not red! About 10% done.

Now, you'd think I'd be able to say "enough already" and just concentrate on getting those things done. But, um, apparently not. I am taking 1/4 of a vacation day on Friday to get to the yarn store before it closes to get yarn for the following:

Projects I Have Not Even Started
1. Three pairs of mittlets. (Mom, aunt, other aunt.) None of them will be red.
4. Three scarves. (Cousin, other cousin, godmother/cousin.) Think big needles, novelty yarn, quick quick quick. Also not red.
7. A nosewarmer. Also for godmother/cousin, because she was complaining about her nose being cold the other day. And because it won't take very long, so I can have a feeling of accomplishment.

And, um, yeah, if you look at my creative numbering scheme up there, you will see that I have More. Projects. Than. Days. I just figured that out as I was typing it. And there's no chance I will finish anything today or tomorrow because I won't be home until midnight-ish either night. So. Um. Basically, I need to barricade myself in my apartment this weekend (except that I'm working Saturday 8:45-5) and drink lots of tea and watch lots of DVDs and knit. Oh, except if my roommate wants to go see Brokeback Mountain. That's worth leaving the apartment for. But otherwise... not so much, I'm thinking.

And, of course, I am stuck here at my desk and cannot knit. Torture. If I think about knitting enough, eventually something will start knitting itself, right?

Don't worry, I'll be panicking soon.

I feel like I'm crawling out from under a rock. I've been MIA for a few days. First, I survived three days with my family with no Internet access (a temporary problem in their neighborhood) or cell phone service (a permanent one). And no knitting, due mostly to a large dog who likes yarn. A lot. Sooo... aaah. Aren't you proud of me for not yelling at anyone or even crying? I know I am.

And then yesterday I got back home and had to finish my final project for my class this semester. It. Is. Done. I mean, I'm not totally satisfied, of course, but it is done enough and I have e-mailed it to my professor so I'm not allowed to think about it anymore. Right? I finished it this morning while making Death by Chocolate for a coworker's birthday. It was sort of a nice combination. I'll have to remember the "assemble elaborate dessert while typing madly" trick for next time.

So... it's done. I have no homework. I barely know what to do with myself. Other than go to work in a few minutes. (I took a half vacation day for the aforementioned baking/typing festival.) And clean my house. And, you know, think about the Christmas knitting I've been ignoring. I need to reread the "It" chapter of Yarn Harlot. But... later. When I get home from work. I'm going to try to focus on the "relief" for a few hours before "panicpanicpanic12daysleftPANICalready" sets in.

Dear readers: Need advice.

So. Humor me for a minute and imagine a hypothetical scenario, okay?

You are a manager at one of a big chain of stores. Someone who works at the sister store up the street stops by to see your new paint job, and you end up talking for a while. (You've met her once before, briefly, at the other store.) Somehow the conversation turns to Christmas shopping and she mentions that she's planning to knit most of the gifts she gives this year. (Shut UP. I said this was hypothetical.) You jokingly describe a scarf you'd been wanting.

If said scarf were to actually appear sometime around Christmas, would this be a fun surprise or just creepy? (Erica? Would interstore mail be a possibility, a la the socks? We could start a trend...)

Yes, I know I'm skewing the sample a bit by asking a group primarily composed of knitters. But I asked a group of non-knitters (yes, I do know a few) and, while they concluded that no, it was not creepy, they also all said things like "So are you trying to hit on this guy?" and "Is he cute?" And no, that hadn't even occurred to me. But yes, I guess he is cute, although I wasn't really paying attention to that at the time. He did seem nice and smart and fun to talk to.

So, basically, the non-knitters said to go for it, but be aware that it could come across as flirtatious. I suppose my question for you, dear readers, is threefold.
1. Good idea or bad idea in general?
2. Are random acts of knitting inherently flirtatious?¹
3. If it looks like a go... any suggestions on a reasonably priced yarn that comes close to the L.L. Bean color claret red?²

(Yes, I realize Erica, who also works at my store, will now undoubtedly proceed to tell me that she knows this guy and he's married or obnoxious or a psychopath or something. But psychopaths need scarves too, right?)

___
¹ And after reading Juno's post today, I sort of also have to wonder whether that would necessarily have to be a bad thing.
² It will probably show you a blue coat, but you can click the little "claret red" box to see the color bigger.

The bad place.

One of my new blog addictions, a little pregnant, has a category of entries that she calls "Welcome to the bad place. Population: You." I have been, um, rather enamored of this category name recently, because it seems to fit how I've been feeling so very very well. (I am also wishing I had some more interesting category names, especially now that I'm writing more personal stuff. Hmm. Perhaps a project for tomorrow. Because I have, you know, so much time.)

Anyway. The bad place. I feel like I've been getting rather familiar with it the past week or so. Let's just say that, if I were to take one of those "Which Serenity character are you?" quizzes, I would not be the least bit surprised to get a resounding answer of "River." Why? That's not so clear. I mean, I'm not the most happy-go-lucky person to start with, certainly. And a lot of it is the break up. Yes, it's been two months or so, but you don't get over five years in two months. And yes, I was doing very well for a while. But now I'm doing not so well, which is probably good, because it means I'm not suppressing my emotions as much. It's not that I'm pining and wanting him back (most of the time), so that's good, at least. I'm just still dealing with the fallout.

The fallout, more particularly, is a sort of identity crisis. An old college friend recently said, mostly joking (I think), "I don't even know who you are anymore." It sort of hurt. But. There it is.

I don't even know who the heck I am anymore.

Welcome to the bad place, indeed.

Now that I'm here, though, and I've recognized I'm here, it's sort of comforting. The eye of the storm, perhaps. I am letting myself be sad, happy, insane, miserable, euphoric, distracted, scattered, and obsessed as I need - or all at once. I am not doing the "la la la it's all great" thing because, well, it isn't. I am letting myself think about who I am, what I want, and what I don't want. I am letting myself think about the past, and the future. (And, of course, Thanksgiving.) I am, periodically, trying as hard as I can to Just Stop Thinking. Oh yeah, it's been fun.

At the moment, though, I'm feeling pretty stable. I spent the evening eating Indian food at a new (to me) restaurant and then sitting around the living room drinking wine and listening to music with my roommate. I'm actually feeling slightly relaxed for once. (Don't worry, I'm sure I'll wake up stressed.) My aunt was supposed to visit this weekend, but she wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home. Now, I am sorry that I won't get to see her, but I am not terribly upset about the prospect of an unexpected free day.

So, my new and improved plan for tomorrow:
1. Sleep as late as possible.
2. Madly clean room.
3. Do homework.
4. Finish the gorram baby blanket.

I have made a deal with myself that as soon as I finish the blanket, I can knit whatever I darn well please. For a while, at least. So watch for a severe case of knitting ADD with a side order of existential angst, coming soon to a blog near you!

And where was the graffiti, anyway?

Just to keep us updated:
Days until Thanksgiving: 34
Number of phone calls with parents about Thanksgiving in past two days: 4
Number of neurotic e-mails to roommate about Thanksgiving in said time period: about a dozen
Number of hysterical conversations with said roommate about said topic in said time period: It's kind of hard to say. Since we live together and work together, he has a kind of hard time getting away from me.

Conversational highlights:
Dad: "No, really. It's not like you're going to be missing anything fun."
Mom: "It's a holiday. Someone might as well have fun... Maybe I can tell them I'm on call?"
Roommate: "I had no idea Thanksgiving could be this complicated."
Me (e-mail): "One more thing and then I promise I will shut up about Thanksgiving until at least, you know, November."
(In my defense, I kept that promise for several hours until my mother called me at work to discuss - say it with me now here - Thanksgiving.)
After witnessing said phone call:
Roommate: "You know, I'm starting to be surprised you turned out as normally as you did."
Me: Hysterics. Sort of unquotable.
A bit later:
Me: "So now do you see how I'm not really being unreasonably obsessive about this? Just being prepared for the inevitable?"
Roommate: "It certainly does seem to be a learned behavior."
A bit later still:
Me: "I'm driving myself crazy. I must be driving you crazy."
Roommate: Did not exactly reply. Did watch a movie with me so I could, as I put it, just stop thinking for a while.
Yes, he's a very patient man. Yes, he will be getting a darned good knitted Christmas present. (No, let's not discuss my family's Christmas plans yet. Thanks.)

So, to help me Just Stop Thinking, we watched American Graffiti. Great soundtrack. Interesting seeing the actors (especially Dreyfuss and Ford) so young. Loved Harrison Ford singing "Some Enchanted Evening." But. WTF?

Problem A: The plot. Let's just say that I was not surprised when George Lucas said in the "making of" documentary that the original version was almost twice as long. I definitely felt as though a few of those deleted scenes would have been helpful for figuring out, you know, what the heck was going on.

Problem B: The message. Let's review what we learned:
1. How to get your boyfriend back: Don't sleep with him. Do get into a potentially deadly car crash with another man.
2. How to control a man: Threaten to accuse him of rape. Alternately, threaten to rape him.
3. How to control a woman: Threaten to rape her.
4. Women ruin everything. The boy with the girlfriend did not go away to college. The one without a girlfriend did.
5. Get in cars with strange men. Really, what could possibly go wrong?
6. How to be a good teacher: Chaperone a school dance. Smoke with one student and sleep with another.
7. How to find your soulmate: Hook up with your ex-girlfriend. Join a gang (okay, it was somewhat under duress). Get a message on the radio to "the blonde in the white T-bird," because there could only be one of those.
8. Or: when you respond to his radio message, make sure you don't tell him your name.

It also really bugged me that, at the end, there were little notes of what happened to the four primary male characters, but nothing about the women. Presumably they all got married and lived happily ever after. Or, you know, went insane from dealing with these men.

I also did not notice any graffiti in the movie. Huh?

Pulling myself together

So, um, sorry about yesterday. I'd been thinking about including more personal stuff on this blog, and I guess in my madness yesterday I decided to go for it. Hope no one minded. And a very big thank you to Folkcat, Lauren, Kat, and Kristen for all the support and virtual hugs in the comments. It really did help.

So I wound up leaving class early because I was feeling worse and worse, physically, and was having trouble concentrating as well. At points, I was struggling not to fall asleep, so I was worried about driving home if I had stayed for the whole class. Of course, due to power problems or something, I ended up waiting about an hour for a train to take me back to my car. Waiting outside. In the cold/wind/occasional rain. Yes, I'm sure this did wonders for my cold. Anyway, I finally made it home, only a bit earlier than it would have been if I'd just stayed in class, but still. I put on my jammies, talked to my roommate for a while, went to bed, and actually slept quite well.

Today I'm feeling emotionally better but physically yucky. (Of course, they are related; I need to teach my body that "hey, bronchitis!" is not a good reaction to a little stress. Not that I have bronchitis now, but that's where things have generally headed in the past.) I have a full-fledged cold now, with coughing and intermittant wheezing and chills. Fun. So, the plan for the evening:

1. Put on favorite pajamas
2. Do enough from my to do list to decrease the stress level a bit
3. Eat soup and drink tea
4. Curl up in bed with a Netflix DVD and knitting
5. Take some Dimetapp around nine to knock me out and read myself to sleep

Sound good? I have a pretty full weekend planned, so I need to get better. I am also afraid that this cold is the start of the long-running illness I seem to get almost every winter. It's a combination of stress and the weather, I think: as soon as the cold and finals and the holiday season hit, I'm vaguely ill for months. It comes and goes, of course; most of the time it's more annoying than actually debilitating. But yeah... annoying. I'd like to break the cycle. I think it's a combination of not taking very good care of myself and not having very healthy ways of dealing with stress. So this year, I'm formulating a plan. What I have so far:

1. Get enough sleep. No, really. Yes, with two jobs and class, there are nights when I just can't get to bed early enough to get eight hours, but these nights are not the majority. The problem is that there are way too many nights when I stay up late for no good reason. I think if I can improve this, it will make a huge difference - at this point, I can barely imagine not being tired all the time.

2. Remember to take my vitamins. I'm getting better, but still not remembering every day.

3. Eat better. I don't eat horribly, by any means, but I'm sure I don't get enough protein. (Suggestions on easy protein??) And some more fruits and veggies wouldn't kill me.

4. Stay hydrated. Another obvious one that gives me way too much trouble.

5. Actually wear some of those scarves and hats I'm always knitting. Well, I don't know. You don't get colds from being cold, right? Is there any relation to having your body temperature drop or whatever because of weather, and getting sick? In any case, the cold aggravates my asthma, so I should make some attempt with the scarf thing at least.

6. Find some other way to deal with stress, darn it. This is the hard one. I get stressed, my body acts up, I ignore it until it gets so bad that I have to stop everything and stay in bed for a few days. Which, subconsciously, may contribute to the cycle: the implied "reward" of getting to stay home sick. Argh. This is the one I really need help with, and I'd love to hear any input.

Any thoughts/suggestions on any of it would be much appreciated, actually...

Well, this is fun.

Apparently the "Aaaaaah"ness of the previous entry led to a total meltdown in the car on the way from work to class. (It's about an hour drive, NH to Boston.) I spent the time alternating between fighting tears, wondering if I've finally just gone mad, and debating whether to just turn around and go home. Yeah, fun stuff. Now I'm in the computer lab at school getting ready to face a three-hour class. And then the drive home.

If I didn't actually have stuff that needed to get done at work (for once), I would be seriously considering a mental health day tomorrow. Ah well. I'd also sort of like a hug... but there's really no one around to get one from. I'm not comfortable hugging people I don't feel I know very well, but most of my friends in NH are not huggy types, so it's a problem.

Aaaah. It's one of those days when I feel like I'm too messed up or damaged to ever have a "normal" life and I don't deserve one anyway. And I don't know what I want. In practically any context. And I don't know how I'm going to face three hours of sitting through class and the requisite small talk with classmates, and then walking to the T in the rain and then taking the T and then driving home. And my brain won't stop and I'm just driving myself crazy at this point.

I'm trying to convince myself that this is all fairly normal post-breakup stuff... right? Help!

Aaaaaaaah.

I am now undoing all the data entry I did yesterday, because they gave me the wrong information. This is hours of work. And then I have to redo it all when they figure out the correct information. One of the people involved called to apologize, but really, couldn't they bring me chocolate or something? I was having a vaguely off day anyway. I don't feel good, but I have to be at work and then go to class. And work is being frustrating, and it's been raining for days, and I do like rain but enough is enough. And there could be some of what Cate is talking about going on, too. Actually, now that I reread Cate's entry, I'm identifying with a lot of it. Especially if you substitute "messy house" for "demon-possessed children." But yeah... cold/coughing, PMS, work frustration and overwhelmsion (WHAT is the correct form of that word? My brain is obviously gone at this point), contemplation of Big Life Changes, knitting frustration... check, check, check.

I'd like to say I'm going to go curl up in my comfy bed and drink tea and read and knit now, but, well, I can't. Which may be part of the problem.

Hope someone out there in Blogland is having a better day... send sunshine and cough drops.

Crazy idea

Plans are in the works (as of about two minutes ago, honestly) for Kat's First Annual Pre-Holiday Knitting Slumber Party. The idea is that we all (er, most of us) go crazy with the holiday knitting, so why not make a party out of it? If you're going to be pulling knitting all-nighters, wouldn't it be better with friends? The basic idea is to take just a quick break from family and holiday craziness in early to mid-December and have a night of knitting, talking, watching movies, and eating junk food (or healthy food if you prefer).

If you're in the area (southern NH, but there's no reason you couldn't drive here from MA or even the greater New England area), would you be interested? (I can't guarantee a completely open invitation because my apartment isn't huge, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.) If you're not in the area, do you have any suggestions for such a party? And would you be interested in some sort of virtual component (a chat, or all picking a night and blogging about it, or something)? I'm still at the brainstorming stage here, so let me know any thoughts/ideas.

Back to work.

Today I started working again at the bookstore where I worked from 2002-2004. I was there full time for about a year and a half, then part time for a while after I got my current full time job. I quit about a year ago, for various reasons, but I've regretted it ever since. So I finally reapplied, and today was my first day.

Yes, this is in addition to school and my full time job. Yes, I will be busy. But it think it will be worth it. Being back today just felt so right. I missed the books, the co-workers, even the chance to work with the public. When I was back there today with my name tag on, I felt like I was home.

... and hey, the discount doesn't exactly hurt either.

Are you sure it's not Friday?

Reasons why I think it's Friday:

1. This has been one of the longest weeks ever. You could tell me it was next Friday and I wouldn't be surprised.
2. I just got home from the movies. I normally do not go out gallivanting on work nights.
3. I had candy at work this afternoon, which is generally a Friday-only occurence.
4. I have a weird urge to stay up late doing nothing in particular.
5. I really, really, really do not want to go to work tomorrow.